21 Days: Day 20 and TWENTY-ONE

It is with great relief that I’m writing this last installment. I honestly couldn’t bring myself to write yesterday after suffering from a serious bout of second guessing. It’s crazy how sometimes a little tiny bit of negative can infiltrate so much positive and make you question yourself.

Today, I went to the Niles campus of The Movement to hear my favorite Niles Campus pastor speak and was greeted with love, hugs, and several people thanked me for writing this blog and told me that reading about my struggles helped them. That mattered more than any criticism that had me kind of second-guessing if I was being self-indulgent or oversharing.

I strive for self-awareness, but I’m a work in progress. It is usually far easier to see flaws in others than it is to recognize them in ourselves. So I struggle on putting one foot in front of the other and praying for clarity and wisdom.

1. Each day that I woke focused on gratitude, my awareness of the goodness, grace and love around me was heightened, and I will continue to count my blessings day and night.

2. In the worship experience today, one of my favorite singers sang an amazing song. And as her beautiful voice singing the most powerful words sank into my heart, many of the experiences of the last 21 days washed over me, the good, the bad, the trying … they all choked up in my throat and finally spilled out of my eyes and down my cheeks. I wanted to run out of the building and curl up in my car and cry. I’m usually pretty private and choosy with my sharing, but I have opened up my heart, mind and life in this tiny little space and in return, I’ve gotten grace, commiseration and so much love. I’ve also gotten criticized and psychoanalyzed. Most importantly, I’ve gotten chased down by people who told me that my words made a difference to them. Thank you for chasing me down. You made a difference for me.

3. Thank you for reading this and encouraging me. Thank you, Brad Bell, for being patient and long-suffering as I put my neuroses and our life on blast. Thank you, my girlfriends, for being supportive and amazing superwomen. Thank you for every like, comment, text and email. Thank you, my church family for every hug. You all have no idea how much you touch my heart.

Putting all your crazy out there for public consumption sometimes blows up in your face, but all of your love, all of your me too’s, all of your hugs and winks and high fives matter. Thank you for being my people.

I’m feeling pretty raw and overexposed, so I’m gonna crawl into my shell and recover.

I realize listening to that song today that it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks about why or what I write. God sees my heart, and He knows my motivation.

“Through it all; my eyes are on You, and it is well with me.”*

*This isn’t my favorite Movement singer performing; still, the song, the performance, and the message are awesome.

Thank you!

xoxo

21 Days: Day 19

Do any of you have that friend who repeats herself…maybe after she’s had a few too many cocktails? And you’re all, “yeah yeah yeah,” but you love her so you listen anyway? I’m that person lately. I appreciate those of you who are still here saying, “yeah yeah yeah” and loving me anyway.

Also, this has been so deep into my every day life that my friends are asking, “Was that me you were talking about when you said ______?” Even Brad Bell said, “Was it me that advised saying bff was petty and immature?” It was. He was trying to wrap his head around some girl drama. I’m grateful for self-aware people.

1. I slept like a rock. I snoozed the 5:30 alarm. No one else gets up til close to 7 so I had plenty of time to clean up dog poop and be grateful for, among other things, a house that smells fantastic–despite the dog poop–thanks to some new PartyLite aroma melts.

2. A few years ago, Brad started having half-day Fridays. Since I worked from home at the time, and the kids were in school, we turned those half-days into dates. Sometimes we went to lunch or watched a movie. Sometimes we took a nap. It didn’t really matter; it was a few hours of uninterrupted time together, which is super duper rare.

With holiday and work and travel and snow days, we haven’t had a Friday date in close to forever. But today, we got one. It consisted of tool shopping and lunch, which was fantabulous. My usual–and only–date request is food or coffee or both. I’ve told you how gleefully I react to the mere suggestion of coffee, so you can imagine when you combine it with food, one of my other favorite things.

What makes me happier than food and even coffee is that after all these years, my man and I still have fun hanging out no matter what we are doing. We laugh at our own jokes. We have entire conversations that consist of nothing but Anchorman quotes. We talk about other things in addition to our kids. And that’s good. Because these kids have a bad habit of growing up, and sooner rather than later, we are going to be spending a lot of time alone together. Thank goodness, he is my favorite.

3. I got a thank you from someone I wrote a thank you to in the mail. Love. Love. Love.

Yesterday two of my loyal fasting friends told me they cheated. I ate pizza in commiseration. Hey, I’m not trying to get in the Daniel Fast hall of fame. I’ve learned way more through the gratitude portion than I did by restricting food. Because guess what being hungry makes me? A. N. G. R. Y.

I’m only clarifying because I’ve gotten a few eye rolls from some Judgey McJudgersons re: my “modifications” of the fast. Well, the fast, kinda like life, is between you and God. So, when we are keeping tabs on what and how someone else is doing, then we’re kinda missing the point. You know, the whole plank in the eye thing.

Guess what else? It’s the freaking weekend, baby. Any fun plans?

If you have about 10 minutes and aren’t offended by the “f” word, read this article; it’s f#$%ing brilliant.

Two. More. Days.

xoxo

21 Days: Day 18

ohmygoshyouguysitisalmostover!!!! I’m pretty excited for day 21 even though today has been filled to the brim with sweet moments. I don’t really plan to change much once it’s over.

1. I got up at 4 a.m. because my baby guest was coming at 5:30 so I wanted to be fully awake and functional. I’m a little rusty with babies but found that it comes back quickly, especially when they are at the super cute cuddling and cooing phase. They don’t require much beyond a bottle, clean diaper and snuggles. But I had plenty of time to count blessings, let the dog in and out 75 times, and get my mind right before she got here.

2. In the area of friends, I have been richly blessed. We have a wonderful circle of peeps, some of our kids’ friends’ parents have become great friends, but one of my greatest treasures is the amazing women in my life. Women who inspire, encourage, teach, love, cry with, fight for and accept me. I watch Super Soul Sunday every week, but I am very fortunate to have my own team of super stars.

I talk a lot about my BFF, which I have been advised is petty and immature. I think criticizing other people is also petty and immature. She is everything you could ask for in a friend, and I would lay down my life for her. The only problem is that she lives about 1100 miles away. The good thing is she lives in a perfect vacation spot so we get to visit her at least once a year. Still … that place is 1100 miles away.

We work it out though. We text constantly. She boycotts Facebook; I don’t blame her … the cons outweigh the pros sometimes on that front. We visit at least once a year and sometimes more. Our hearts are always connected even though we rarely talk on the phone because we both dislike talking on the phone, which brings me–finally, I know, right?–to today. My phone rang and it was my girl. Crazy, wonderful, unexpected surprise chats–or any kind of chats, really, with my forever friend are super soul nourishing.

3. These thank you’s are having some really profound effects in my life. I wasn’t prepared for the emotional roller coaster I was boarding.

I’m really grateful for the encouragement during this endeavor. Your comments, texts, likes and so forth mean so very much to me. It makes my heart happy when out of the blue someone shares that they identify with something I wrote. That’s really why I write. It’s therapeutic, and like my hero Anne Lamott advises, I write what I want to read. When I’m dealing with a trial, my first reaction is to read everything that is written about it. I love to read how other people’s deal with the situations I face. And I relate with people who are honest, flawed and real.
 

You know, people are gonna talk; like RuPaul said, “What other people say about me behind my back is none of my business.” (I had no idea who said that–thanks, Google. I was hoping it would be Eleanor Roosevelt. Whatever; it’s good advice.) Regardless of whether or not people choose to be my friend or read my blog or like me, it’s okay; I’m okay. I’m just meandering along my own path with some crazy amazing sidekicks. Writing helps me work through my stuff. And when you spend the first 20 years of your life smiling and pretending everything is awesome, when NEWSFLASH!!! It’s not, there’s a lot to work through. I never try to hurt anyone with my words. That’s not to say that sometimes the truth doesn’t hurt. As Brene Brown says, “Shame derives its power from being unspeakable.” When you tell your stories, you take that power back.

I have made wonderful friends, had great experiences and many moments of grace and healing because I dared to be vulnerable. I’ve shared my heart, my flaws, my experiences–good and bad–and people have bravely reached back. The power of camaraderie. The blessed words, “Me too.” That’s what this is all about. I’m not an attention whore. I’m not self-righteous. I’m certainly not mean and the opposite of miserable. I’m a flawed girl loved by a perfect God trying to make my tiny place in the world a little kinder.

xoxo

21 Days: Day 16

Okay, since I’m being pretty transparent, I have to admit that all of this openness and sharing is starting to freak me out. I’m ready to crawl back into my hermitage and recover. I could quit now, but one of my goals is to quit quitting things. Except bad things. In a minute, I’ll take one hardship as a sign from the universe that I’m supposed to be on a different path. In hindsight, I often realize it was the right path. And I was supposed to climb over those obstacles.

1. I woke up at 3:27, which is baloney. After trying unsuccessfully to fall back to sleep, I got up at 4. I was grateful for extra time, and now I’m grateful that I’m still awake and not miserable.

2. For the past several months, I have been helping a dear friend write a book. We often spend more time drinking coffee and talking and dreaming and having therapy than we do writing, but still, we are working on it. Today, I started reading through the latest bit she wrote and was caught off guard by emotion.

I’ve always felt led to listen to people and give them a safe place to vent, but sometimes I am overcome by how deeply people trust me. I would never betray anyone’s secrets, and most of my friends know I’m a vault but still. This probably amazes me so much because I trust very few (2, to be exact) people with my secrets. That some people are brave and trusting enough to open up to me overwhelms my heart.

In a few short months of writing, our friendship has developed and progressed to the point that I value and trust her as one of my closest friends. Like a person I can count on and tell secrets. It’s inspiring how that works and always very clear when God has placed someone in my life for a reason by how naturally the relationship unfolds and progresses.

If you’ve trusted me with your secrets, you have part of my heart.

3. I think that the thank you notes have been one of the most meaningful parts of this whole challenge. Some of them were very natural and came easily, but some of them have really wrenched my heart. Realizing that some people who have made really huge impacts on my life may not even know it makes it tough to write. Especially to people who aren’t really part of my life anymore and maybe were a reason or season.

I watched Eckhart Tolle on Super Soul Sunday today…wait, let that settle in for a minute. I never watch tv during the day. But, I am watching a sweet little baby two days a week, and that means occasionally, I get to sit down to feed, snuggle and play with her. Today, what do you know, I got to watch 40 minutes of tv. It was crazy.

Okay, back to Mr. Tolle. He said something that I thought was really important: If we want to change something we need to start by accepting it. Admit there is a problem. Right? It’s the first step in AA, but for those of us who haven’t worked the 12 steps, it’s kind of a revelation. By the way, I recently read a book that was kind of about “working the program” for people’s whose issues aren’t a substance. It’s called Gratitude and Trust. Pretty good read.

So, whatever our problem, whatever we aren’t happy about: our weight, career, marriage…it is indeed where we are, right now. It’s a problem. Accept it. Own your responsibility in it. Acknowledge the choices that led you to where you are. Then accept that you have the power to make different choices to lead you out. One positive choice at a time. Everything you need is already inside you; use it. I wasn’t really talking to you, I was talking to myself. Just in second person. Because talking to yourself in third person is creepy.

Whew, how are you guys doing? I was strangely drawn to the Oreos in the cupboard tonight, and I don’t even like Oreos. So, there’s that.

P.S. I had written part of this earlier, but I hadn’t proofread it. In my haste to pick up the kiddos for a dentist appointment, I accidentally hit publish instead of save. Thanks to my dear friend who commented on it, alerting me of my mistake. That’s why, if you tried to click on it earlier, it wasn’t there. Thanks for still loving me despite my challenges. I’m a work in progress.

xoxo

21 Days: Day 15

It was a happy day off filled with fun little girl activities, duct tape crafts and a trip to the trampoline park complete with a mommy date. I mean, who could ask for more. And now I get to enjoy a full hour and a half of tv with my son. My cup runneth over.

1. I usually sleep fitfully on Sundays, and last night was no exception. I was wide awake at 2 a.m. listening to my son cackle and carry on with his Xbox live buddies. It actually made me happy since earlier he was in a dark place after Tom Brady and company dealt his Colts an embarrassing loss. Still, I got to sleep in and was grateful for a happy kid, a warm bed, a happy husband and a good report from my big girl who spent the weekend in the Big Apple.

2. Sometimes meaningful things are so simple that if you aren’t paying close attention, you might miss them entirely. Today, a few of Lily’s friends came over to make duct tape crafts for a school assignment. They work in groups to make something, then they have a little market where they sell their wares–for Monopoly money. It is a fun project that teaches them a little bit about business.

Since their class is pretty split boy/girl wise, they made cute bows and pencil holders but wanted to make something to appeal to the boys as well. Another mom who was helping suggested paper footballs out of duct tape. I remember Peyton loving paper footballs when he was Lily’s age and then some little plastic variations they made so we decided to make them. Except I had no idea how to make them.

So I ventured into his domain and asked P to make me two paper footballs. Sometimes when I ask him to do things, he complains. Sometimes, he procrastinates. And sometimes, he sweetly complies. When he responded, “Sure, Mom,” telling his xbox buddies to hold on, my heart smiled.

A year ago, that wouldn’t have been a big deal, but I recently watched one sweet little kid turn into a tween, then a teen and then boom an adult who lives in a different state, and I know these years zip by in fast forward. With this in mind, I’m trying hard to be a good boy mom and give him space and room to become who he is going to be and not be needy and clingy. But it’s really hard.

It’s painful and awkward to go from being the center of somebody’s world to being kind of a supporting role. Especially when those people are always the center of my world. That never really shifts for mothers. I know it’s natural, and I want our children to be independent, but it’s not without growing pains. Chloe and I eased naturally into more of a grown up relationship, but she still asks me for advice and shares secrets with me. I am treading carefully around this relationship with my boy because I’ve seen so many moms blow it and end up with weird (or no) grown-up relationships with their sons.

But today, he stepped outside of his world willingly and kindly to do something for me, and that made my world feel a little bit sweeter.

3. I have a fresh supply of note cards, and guess what: The post office is open tomorrow.

I had a late lunch with a friend and our girls today, and we split a salad and grilled asparagus. Also, we oooohed and awwwed over it as if these vegetables were the most amazing meal we’d ever eaten. That’s what the last week of the fast looks like.

Do you have any advice for navigating the teen years? Would you just like to commiserate? Or do you have an amazing relationship with your son and want to be my mentor? Anyone?

21 Days: Day 13 – 14

Yesterday was a blur of moving, boxes and stuff and bodies and cars and All. That. Jazz. I didn’t write and beat myself up about that, but I shushed the shrew voice and am moving on.

A few days ago I downloaded an app that counts your steps, lets you log your food and water intake, and so forth. I’ve been reading Eat Move Sleep: How Small Choices Lead to Big Changes by Tom Rath and implementing some of the healthy tips. With all the moving yesterday, I figured I would destroy that step goal. Here’s the thing about that though: Your phone must be in your possession for it to work. So it was mostly, “Oh shoot, where’s my phone? LILY, I need my phone. DAMMITTTT, I left my phone in the car. Ugghhhhhhh…Whatever.”

The book encourages consistent healthy choices rather than some big life change. With each opportunity to choose healthy or unhealthy, you choose healthy. So after the moving we went to dinner, and I chose stir fry and didn’t eat any of the rice or bread. And there were peppers in oil. I put them on my salad. But, they still had Christmas Ale on tap. I mean draft Christmas Ale in mid-January is an obvious gift from the universe. So, it seemed rude and ungrateful to thumb my nose at it. I did, however, say no to the cinnamon and brown sugar rimmed glass. I didn’t dislocate my shoulder patting myself on the back.

1. It’s really easy to wake early and count blessings on the weekend because I’m surrounded by love. And my husband brings me coffee in bed, which means I have about 5 full minutes between waking up and his arrival to express my gratitude.

2. Yesterday morning as we enjoyed an uncharacteristically warm sunny drive, I gazed dreamily through the sun roof and was amazed to see a bald eagle soaring over the car (Brad was driving, you guys.) I’m intrigued by animal totems and am often visited by hawks–and once a rogue owl–so I immediately started researching what message a bald eagle brings:

When an eagle appears, you are on notice to be courageous and stretch your limits. Do not accept the status quo, but rather reach higher and become more than you believe you are capable of. Look at things from a new, higher perspective. Be patient with the present; know that the future holds possibilities that you may not yet be able to see. You are about to take flight.

Whether you believe or think it’s all just a bunch of hocus pocus, that’s way cool.

3. I’m getting behind on my thank you’s again. I’ll mail them tomorrow. Wait…Tuesday.

So yesterday and today were pretty good eating days. I realize now that one of the most important elements for me is: Be Prepared. Pack healthy snacks. Make food ahead of time so I don’t make an unhealthy choice in a moment of hunger-induced weakness. And the biggest key is never to let myself get too hungry. I’m mean and angry and much more likely to eat more and make bad choices. I was literally eating carrot sticks on the way to dinner yesterday because I was starving and didn’t want to make a bad choice because my stomach was overruling my brain.

How are you guys doing? What are your thoughts on spirit animals? Have you read any good books lately? I’ve got a stack of non-fiction to get through, and then I’m going to reward myself with something fun. My girlfriend and I had a fake book club for five minutes during which we read Gone Girl, which was so great. Anyway, she sent me this awesome list of books to read if you loved Gone Girl, so I think I’ll try one of those. I’m always looking for recommendations 🙂

xoxo

21 Days: Day 12

Well, about 50 of you are hanging in and reading this every day. I’ll send you all thank you notes when it’s over–most of you probably already got or are getting one though. Today was a spectacularly average day sprinkled with some fun little interactions … impromptu chats with friends, a phone conversation with a much-missed soul sister, a snowy walk with the dog. Good stuff.

1. My day didn’t start so great though. The dog woke me at 4:00 a.m. alerting me to how I’d be spending my morning — i.e., scrubbing carpet. But, there were still plenty of blessings to count, and I had plenty of extra time to count them.

2. Historically, I’ve been a worst case scenario thinker. I worried about bad things happening to people I love. In the past few years, however, my life shifted to a degree that I learned to surrender and trust that everything is going to be all right.

For example, Chloe lives in another state. She traveled to two different countries last year. I don’t see her very often. Sometimes I don’t hear from her before I go to bed. Sometimes, I don’t hear from her for almost a whole day; I do start to freak out a little bit when that happens. But mostly, I know that she is okay. I remember my dad telling me, “No matter how old you get, you will always be my baby,” and that is the truth. But I am blessed that I get to have an awesome grown-up relationship with her.

Then there’s the fact that Brad travels frequently for work. Twenty or so years ago, when I was super jealous and possessive, it would have made me crazy not to know exactly what he was doing. The ladies love that guy. And although he has never done anything to make me mistrust him, there is that shrew-y little voice that sometimes suggests he could be getting into all kinds of mischief. I told that voice not to even go there with me. Once, I surmised that he had a perfect job to have an affair, if, in fact, he wanted to have an affair. He gave me the squinty-eye and reassured me with, “You’re silly, baby.”

I realized today, as my daughter headed off to New York City, that I didn’t even get a little bit of a pit in my stomach. I didn’t tell her to be careful or lecture her on all the hidden dangers that could be lurking. She’s been lots of places and knows about the dangers. In fact, she is far more worldly than I am. The only thing I felt was genuine excitement for her knowing that she is going to have an amazing time.

Acknowledging that I no longer have to worry about every little thing makes me extremely grateful for the way my molecules have been rearranged.

3. I have to buy more thank you cards. That is all.

I’m writing early because our afternoon and evening are filled up with activities, but today, I’m going to post it instead of messing around thinking, “Oh, I’ll edit this later…” because that blew up in my face yesterday. 9 days left, kids. I ate a half an avocado and two carrots for breakfast. The crazy thing is: I enjoyed it.

21 Days: Day 11

Despite how much I talk about it, I rarely seeweight. That sounds silly, I know, but it comes from years of my mother’s narrow focus on it. “Did you see so-and-so? Boy, did she put on weight!” and on and on and on. My brain evolved not to see it. Sometimes, I notice when people lose weight, but because of my neurotic tendency toward catastrophic thought, my immediate reaction is not that they look great or must be working out. No, I fear they have either a drug problem or terminal illness. To be fair, I’ve watched people in my life shrink and disappear from both of those things so it’s not all in my head.

But it isn’t just outsiders, I can’t see it with myself or Brad or the kids. The only way I know is by the scale. I never look different to myself. Sometimes I feel different. Sometimes my clothes–and wedding ring–are tighter. When I was a little bit bigger of a nutbag, I used to get really freaked out about the wedding ring thinking it was an ominous sign. It was actually just a sign that I was 22 and 100 pounds when we got married. I don’t want to be either of those things again. Still sometimes against my better judgment and the voice of reason screaming, “DON’T DO IT! NOTHING GOOD WILL COME OF THIS!” I still get on the scale and think, “Oh boy.”

Thanks for indulging me. I needed to get that off my chest.

1. I was wide awake at 4:46–probably because I fell asleep at 9 p.m.–but the alertness that comes with waking up unaided when your body is fully rested makes for pleasant blessing counting. Of course I stayed in bed and counted until the alarm did go off.

2. Today, I happened upon a person from my past. “By happened upon,” I mean that she came into my consciousness, and I googled her. It wasn’t malicious; I just wondered what became of her. We were either reasons or seasons to each other, but I never figured it out. I think a lot about the reasons and seasons people. Mostly because I want to make sure to learn the lesson the first time so as not to repeat any painful ones.

That rabbit trail led me to forgiveness. I think, talk and write about forgiveness quite a bit. Although I have read and heard this many different times in a variety of ways, for whatever reason it seemed to click in my head today: Forgiveness doesn’t absolve others; it allows you to move on.

Forgiveness is permission to let go of the hurts, slights, offenses, traumas, or whatever is taking up an unnecessary amount your psychic energy without producing anything positive. Forgiveness allows you to be free from ruminating over the pain and the people who caused it. Forgiveness is a gift to ourselves.

Forgiveness is not, however, a free pass. When we forgive a person we love so that we can move closer in a relationship, then we should absolutely forgive and forget. However, I get all idealistic and dreamy and decide to invite the wrong type of person back into my life or heart again. I probably don’t need to tell you this is a bad idea. Guess what happens? They hurt me again, and I have to start forgiving them from scratch. Please learn from my example and spare yourself. Don’t get all spiritually conceited and try to break bread with the jerks of your past. Just leave them in the past.

 

3. Today, in my Jesus journal, the devotion was about listening. I know that I talk a lot sometimes, but more often in real life, I listen. Actually, I am drawn to people who want to tell me their life stories and vice versa. It’s a tiny defense mechanism, but it works out. People need a listener, and I often like to be anonymous since I’m so open and transparent here. Tangent. When I pray and then listen, I know who is getting thank you note. Today, I got a thank you for a thank you. How ’bout that little circle of love?

 

How are you guys doing? How are your fasts? I made some really good soup today. Here’s my Daniel Fast board with all the recipes I have been yammering about. Did you make anything good today? What was your meaningful experience?

 

P.S. I wrote this at about 10 a.m., then when I started editing at 7:30, I messed up and deleted the whole darn thing and had to rewrite. I wasn’t particularly grateful for that.

 

xoxo

21 Days: Day 10

Mmmmm, two digits. Almost halfway. We are moving a sister this weekend, which reminded me that we moved another sister last year during the Daniel Fast, which reminded me that the best part of moving is the beer and pizza after. There’s not gonna be any beer and pizza, folks.

Today was a pretty normal day–a blessing as “normal” days have been the exception lately. Brad went to work, both kids went to school, and I did 47 loads of laundry and ran the errands I don’t like to think about when Brad and the kids are here.

1. A good night’s sleep makes for a good morning. I hit the snooze button and counted blessings for the whole snooze period. Bed, Brad, kids, friends, a whole day by myself … so many.

2. The extra time home pretty much depleted the kids’ snack cupboard, so after a meeting I headed to ALDI to fill it back up. If you didn’t already know, ALDI has their buggies chained together, so you need to deposit a quarter to get a buggy, then return and re-chain it to get your quarter back. You also have to bring your own bags or boxes. I’m often scatter-brained and have more than a few times found myself there with no quarter and no bags. It’s a great way to save money since you can only buy what you can carry. Unfortunately, if you were planning to do several weeks’ worth of shopping, it’s a downer.

Once, I got the bright idea of paying it forward by leaving my quarter in buggy in case someone came along and didn’t have one. I imagined how thrilled I would have been on one of those quarter-less trips to find an available buggy. So, I’ve been running this shopping buggy ministry for years. Only a few times have I spoken to anyone about it. A person would say, “Hey you forgot your quarter!” And I explained. Usually they smile. Some say it’s a good idea and leave their own quarter. Once, a lady pointed out my mistake. When I told her it was intentional, she looked at me like I had three heads. Then she took her quarter. And mine. I stared dumbfounded as she smugly walked to her car. I said some bad words. If I could have willed a comet to crash to earth right at that moment…

But I told you all this so that it would make sense why I was so ecstatic when I went to ALDI today, and there were FOUR buggies with quarters already in them! People are being kind and thoughtful even if it is in a small seemingly insignificant way. It’s important. That little bitty ripple of kindness you sent out into the world is meaningful. You might never know who you touched or how you impacted them, but if you are sending goodness and love out into the universe, it matters.

3. Well, I mailed the stack of Thank You notes that were on my microwave. Also, I bought some groovy Janis Joplin stamps which made me super happy because I love that little raspy-voiced legend.

Janis is also a member of the 27 Club — famous musicians including Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Kurt Cobain and more who died at 27 — which is significant today because it’s my brother Chris’ birthday. He died just a few weeks after his 27th birthday, and he was a rock star to me. So those stamps made me happy even though writing about it now makes me cry. Even after almost 26 years.

Time doesn’t heal wounds, but it affords you space, perspective and opportunity for growth. Life isn’t always fair. It rarely works out how we plan it. Sometimes you have to carry all your groceries in your arms, but sometimes someone leaves a quarter in the buggy. Whatever we do, no matter how small, when we do it with love, it matters.

How are you guys doing today? What are you especially grateful for? Did you make anything remarkable to eat? I bought some cauliflower that I’m gonna try to make into something fabulous. Maybe tomorrow. I’m not feeling it today so I’m subsisting on apples and almonds. Speaking of: Where on earth were honey crisp apples for the first 30-something years of my life? No bother. They are here now. Thank Goodness!

21 Days: Day 9

How ’bout those Buckeyes? There’s something special about cheering together for sports that breaks down barriers. I mean you rarely see grown men so exuberantly displaying affection the way you do after a big win. Women are different, at least the ones I hang with. We can go deep, cry and pledge our undying love to each other on a random Tuesday with very little provocation. It’s an interesting phenomenon, though, the guys loving each other. It’s particularly endearing with this bunch since I’ve loved most of them for almost 30 years. Yeah, that’s the good stuff.

1. What is not good stuff, however, is the sleep deficit that results from 8:30 p.m. games. Why couldn’t they play on Saturday? Oh well. I was so afraid I would sleep through my alarm that I woke up about 427 times in the night. Grateful for: at 3:37a.m.–2 more hours of sleep; at 4:46–ummm…Brad’s not snoring or hiccupping…oops, jinxed that; at 6:10–oh shit, I did sleep through my alarm.

2. About 12 years ago, I discovered the delight that is afternoon coffee. It’s funny because I rarely think of it on my own, but when someone suggests it? I feel completely giddy. We have a sign in our kitchen that says, “Coffee is always a good the BEST idea.” I promise I’m not going back to talking about coffee all the time; this is just background info. So on an otherwise normal and not special afternoon, Brad would say, “You want coffee?” and I of course responded, “YES! I would LOVE coffee!” And suddenly, the normal afternoon was a little bit special.

The past year or so–since we got a hot tub–“You want coffee?” has evolved into, “You wanna get in the hot tub?” Or on some super amazing mornings, “You wanna have coffee in the hot tup?” Honestly…who doesn’t? It’s not really about the coffee or the hot tub, but it’s about the few minutes or sometimes an hour of conversation. It’s about putting down phones, turning off TV’s and just being…together. Tonight was pretty cold, and I thought for a 37.5 seconds before gleefully accepting the invitation, but it was so worth it. An hour of deep, therapeutic conversation and stargazing is so good for the soul.

3. I’m still praying about it. I am actually slacking on mailing these thank you notes. Four of them are addressed, stamped and waiting patiently on the microwave. I promise to mail them tomorrow.

Today, was a mixed bag of frenzied activity, whiny kiddos, sleep-deprivation and sweetness. I got 7 new books at the library. Seven. It’s God’s number, not mine. My fast has been super-awesome because I was too tired to even think about eating. I joke a lot about the weight loss/gain, but the bottom line is: I have a great group of friends with whom I’m fasting. We’re all 30 and 40 something. In your mid-to-late 30s and 40s for sure, weird stuff happens to your body, random weight gain and muscle tone loss…head hair loss and chin hair gain. Just stupid random stuff. We talk about it a lot because we’re girls, and that’s what we do.

I went to the doctor recently with a whole laundry list of complaints, and she smiled and nodded knowingly, responding, “It’s all normal, unfortunately. The 40s suck.” I’m happy with the 40s, my body and myself, but I’m never complacent and always striving to do better; that’s one thing I never want to change. As long as I’m breathing, I will be learning, growing, and trying to change for the better.

How was your day? Did you make anything fabulous to eat?  Did you make something mediocre? Are you too hungover to even think about it? This is a judgment-free zone. Namaste.

xoxo