Being Here Now

With school starting for my little and medium children and my oldest babe fixin’ to graduate from college, I’ve been dealing with this nagging feeling of, “Should I be doing more?” For the past few years, I’ve settled comfortably into being a full-time mom and wife. I’ve found my best self in encouraging my people to be theirs. But as their physical need for me lessens, I feel this pull…get a job, finish grad school, do something…more.

For a long time I struggled with learning how to be present, but now that I’m living more engaged in the moment, satisfied and grateful for our life, I’m wondering: Is this enough? Am I complacent? Am I using my unique gifts to their fullest potential? Naturally, the answer is often a resounding NO.

Earlier this year, inspired by an amazing friend, I decided to pursue yoga teacher training. I have found great peace and mindfulness through my own yoga and meditation practice, and I absolutely adore and am in awe of the woman who was leading the training. Fueled by ambition, I ran full speed in the direction of, “I’ll be a yoga life coach!”

But you know how sometimes you run full speed in the wrong direction? Is that just me? Anyway, it appears I let my infatuation with someone else’s dream pass as my own. I love practicing yoga, but it is very personal for me. Yoga, in fact, is one of the few gifts I regularly give myself. Don’t we do that too often, as women? Especially as moms. We give our gifts away.

Of course you can have some of my ice cream!

You like this sweater? Here, take it. I rarely wear it.

You can watch something; I wasn’t watching this silly Oprah episode.

Those are just a few top-of-mind examples, but don’t we do that as women? Especially as moms. We give all our goodness away and sometimes forget to save anything for ourselves? That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it’s okay–in fact it’s healthy–to keep some goodness for ourselves.

My husband travels, and the past month he has been gone a lot. Weird segue way, but we’ll get there. Promise. This month, he was gone for a week, the day he came home, I left for the weekend. The day after I came home, he left for another week. So in the past two weeks, I’ve seen him for about 6 hours. He is my person. His unique love fills my tank in a way nothing and no one else can. So, in this drought, I’ve been running on empty.

That emptiness is reflected in my short-tempered interactions with…well pretty much anyone I’ve interacted with, but specifically, my itty-bitty girl. See, I am her person, and when I’m empty, I have nothing to give. When my kids were little and had fits, I sometimes met their outbursts with, “Did you not get loved enough today?” And then we would cuddle. A kiss, a hug, a long snuggle all have magical healing properties. Sometimes I met their screams with screams of my own too. Just sayin’. But yesterday, when my tiny girl screamed at me, “I DIDN’T GET LOVED ENOUGH TODAY!” shit got real.

The other day I heard Bishop TD Jakes say, “You cannot reap what belongs to others. You have to reap what is yours.” Goodness, that statement will rock your world if you let it. I sometimes get caught up in what society thinks I should be doing…getting a job, finishing grad school, doing. something. more. But maybe that’s not for me? Maybe I’m just supposed to be right where I am. Putting on my own oxygen mask so I can put Lily’s on. Making sure my own love tank is filled so I can pour into my kids. Finding space and following my breath on the mat so I can be fully engaged with the people who count on me.

Perhaps I’m not using my gifts to their fullest potential, but I am using them. I’m always going to aspire for more, but today more is right here.

21 Days: Day 18

ohmygoshyouguysitisalmostover!!!! I’m pretty excited for day 21 even though today has been filled to the brim with sweet moments. I don’t really plan to change much once it’s over.

1. I got up at 4 a.m. because my baby guest was coming at 5:30 so I wanted to be fully awake and functional. I’m a little rusty with babies but found that it comes back quickly, especially when they are at the super cute cuddling and cooing phase. They don’t require much beyond a bottle, clean diaper and snuggles. But I had plenty of time to count blessings, let the dog in and out 75 times, and get my mind right before she got here.

2. In the area of friends, I have been richly blessed. We have a wonderful circle of peeps, some of our kids’ friends’ parents have become great friends, but one of my greatest treasures is the amazing women in my life. Women who inspire, encourage, teach, love, cry with, fight for and accept me. I watch Super Soul Sunday every week, but I am very fortunate to have my own team of super stars.

I talk a lot about my BFF, which I have been advised is petty and immature. I think criticizing other people is also petty and immature. She is everything you could ask for in a friend, and I would lay down my life for her. The only problem is that she lives about 1100 miles away. The good thing is she lives in a perfect vacation spot so we get to visit her at least once a year. Still … that place is 1100 miles away.

We work it out though. We text constantly. She boycotts Facebook; I don’t blame her … the cons outweigh the pros sometimes on that front. We visit at least once a year and sometimes more. Our hearts are always connected even though we rarely talk on the phone because we both dislike talking on the phone, which brings me–finally, I know, right?–to today. My phone rang and it was my girl. Crazy, wonderful, unexpected surprise chats–or any kind of chats, really, with my forever friend are super soul nourishing.

3. These thank you’s are having some really profound effects in my life. I wasn’t prepared for the emotional roller coaster I was boarding.

I’m really grateful for the encouragement during this endeavor. Your comments, texts, likes and so forth mean so very much to me. It makes my heart happy when out of the blue someone shares that they identify with something I wrote. That’s really why I write. It’s therapeutic, and like my hero Anne Lamott advises, I write what I want to read. When I’m dealing with a trial, my first reaction is to read everything that is written about it. I love to read how other people’s deal with the situations I face. And I relate with people who are honest, flawed and real.
 

You know, people are gonna talk; like RuPaul said, “What other people say about me behind my back is none of my business.” (I had no idea who said that–thanks, Google. I was hoping it would be Eleanor Roosevelt. Whatever; it’s good advice.) Regardless of whether or not people choose to be my friend or read my blog or like me, it’s okay; I’m okay. I’m just meandering along my own path with some crazy amazing sidekicks. Writing helps me work through my stuff. And when you spend the first 20 years of your life smiling and pretending everything is awesome, when NEWSFLASH!!! It’s not, there’s a lot to work through. I never try to hurt anyone with my words. That’s not to say that sometimes the truth doesn’t hurt. As Brene Brown says, “Shame derives its power from being unspeakable.” When you tell your stories, you take that power back.

I have made wonderful friends, had great experiences and many moments of grace and healing because I dared to be vulnerable. I’ve shared my heart, my flaws, my experiences–good and bad–and people have bravely reached back. The power of camaraderie. The blessed words, “Me too.” That’s what this is all about. I’m not an attention whore. I’m not self-righteous. I’m certainly not mean and the opposite of miserable. I’m a flawed girl loved by a perfect God trying to make my tiny place in the world a little kinder.

xoxo

21 Days: Day 16

Okay, since I’m being pretty transparent, I have to admit that all of this openness and sharing is starting to freak me out. I’m ready to crawl back into my hermitage and recover. I could quit now, but one of my goals is to quit quitting things. Except bad things. In a minute, I’ll take one hardship as a sign from the universe that I’m supposed to be on a different path. In hindsight, I often realize it was the right path. And I was supposed to climb over those obstacles.

1. I woke up at 3:27, which is baloney. After trying unsuccessfully to fall back to sleep, I got up at 4. I was grateful for extra time, and now I’m grateful that I’m still awake and not miserable.

2. For the past several months, I have been helping a dear friend write a book. We often spend more time drinking coffee and talking and dreaming and having therapy than we do writing, but still, we are working on it. Today, I started reading through the latest bit she wrote and was caught off guard by emotion.

I’ve always felt led to listen to people and give them a safe place to vent, but sometimes I am overcome by how deeply people trust me. I would never betray anyone’s secrets, and most of my friends know I’m a vault but still. This probably amazes me so much because I trust very few (2, to be exact) people with my secrets. That some people are brave and trusting enough to open up to me overwhelms my heart.

In a few short months of writing, our friendship has developed and progressed to the point that I value and trust her as one of my closest friends. Like a person I can count on and tell secrets. It’s inspiring how that works and always very clear when God has placed someone in my life for a reason by how naturally the relationship unfolds and progresses.

If you’ve trusted me with your secrets, you have part of my heart.

3. I think that the thank you notes have been one of the most meaningful parts of this whole challenge. Some of them were very natural and came easily, but some of them have really wrenched my heart. Realizing that some people who have made really huge impacts on my life may not even know it makes it tough to write. Especially to people who aren’t really part of my life anymore and maybe were a reason or season.

I watched Eckhart Tolle on Super Soul Sunday today…wait, let that settle in for a minute. I never watch tv during the day. But, I am watching a sweet little baby two days a week, and that means occasionally, I get to sit down to feed, snuggle and play with her. Today, what do you know, I got to watch 40 minutes of tv. It was crazy.

Okay, back to Mr. Tolle. He said something that I thought was really important: If we want to change something we need to start by accepting it. Admit there is a problem. Right? It’s the first step in AA, but for those of us who haven’t worked the 12 steps, it’s kind of a revelation. By the way, I recently read a book that was kind of about “working the program” for people’s whose issues aren’t a substance. It’s called Gratitude and Trust. Pretty good read.

So, whatever our problem, whatever we aren’t happy about: our weight, career, marriage…it is indeed where we are, right now. It’s a problem. Accept it. Own your responsibility in it. Acknowledge the choices that led you to where you are. Then accept that you have the power to make different choices to lead you out. One positive choice at a time. Everything you need is already inside you; use it. I wasn’t really talking to you, I was talking to myself. Just in second person. Because talking to yourself in third person is creepy.

Whew, how are you guys doing? I was strangely drawn to the Oreos in the cupboard tonight, and I don’t even like Oreos. So, there’s that.

P.S. I had written part of this earlier, but I hadn’t proofread it. In my haste to pick up the kiddos for a dentist appointment, I accidentally hit publish instead of save. Thanks to my dear friend who commented on it, alerting me of my mistake. That’s why, if you tried to click on it earlier, it wasn’t there. Thanks for still loving me despite my challenges. I’m a work in progress.

xoxo

21 days of water, twigs, berries and thanks

Last year, along with our church family, we participated in the Daniel Fast. I wrote some about it here, here, and even a little bit here. This year, we are fasting again, but I feel better prepared and ready for the challenge. In addition to abstaining from caffeine, alcohol, bread and more, I’ve decided to add in a gratitude element.

Every morning, I spend my first few moments of consciousness thanking God for all He has given me…an amazing husband with whom I get to raise three healthy, beautiful, brilliant children…my own health…and every opportunity to use the unique gifts He placed within me to spread a little love and compassion.

Recently Rob Bell appeared on Super Soul Sunday–have you watched? It’s an awesome show where Oprah talks to inspirational people and has completely replaced my Real Housewives addiction–and spoke about a 21-day gratitude challenge which includes the following daily tasks:

1. Spend 2 minutes counting blessings
2. Write out one meaningful experience
3. Send a thank you note to one person

This seemed to complement a spiritually enriching food fast, and since I have this perfect place to keep me accountable, I thought I would drop out of some of my traditional social media scrolling for the 21 days and just post here.

If you are interested in joining me, please share your experiences or links to your own posts in the comments. And if you want to reach me in the meantime, you can email me at maryswanbell@gmail.com.

Love and prayers for a healthy and happy start to 2015!

xoxo