Okay, since I’m being pretty transparent, I have to admit that all of this openness and sharing is starting to freak me out. I’m ready to crawl back into my hermitage and recover. I could quit now, but one of my goals is to quit quitting things. Except bad things. In a minute, I’ll take one hardship as a sign from the universe that I’m supposed to be on a different path. In hindsight, I often realize it was the right path. And I was supposed to climb over those obstacles.
1. I woke up at 3:27, which is baloney. After trying unsuccessfully to fall back to sleep, I got up at 4. I was grateful for extra time, and now I’m grateful that I’m still awake and not miserable.
2. For the past several months, I have been helping a dear friend write a book. We often spend more time drinking coffee and talking and dreaming and having therapy than we do writing, but still, we are working on it. Today, I started reading through the latest bit she wrote and was caught off guard by emotion.
I’ve always felt led to listen to people and give them a safe place to vent, but sometimes I am overcome by how deeply people trust me. I would never betray anyone’s secrets, and most of my friends know I’m a vault but still. This probably amazes me so much because I trust very few (2, to be exact) people with my secrets. That some people are brave and trusting enough to open up to me overwhelms my heart.
In a few short months of writing, our friendship has developed and progressed to the point that I value and trust her as one of my closest friends. Like a person I can count on and tell secrets. It’s inspiring how that works and always very clear when God has placed someone in my life for a reason by how naturally the relationship unfolds and progresses.
If you’ve trusted me with your secrets, you have part of my heart.
3. I think that the thank you notes have been one of the most meaningful parts of this whole challenge. Some of them were very natural and came easily, but some of them have really wrenched my heart. Realizing that some people who have made really huge impacts on my life may not even know it makes it tough to write. Especially to people who aren’t really part of my life anymore and maybe were a reason or season.
I watched Eckhart Tolle on Super Soul Sunday today…wait, let that settle in for a minute. I never watch tv during the day. But, I am watching a sweet little baby two days a week, and that means occasionally, I get to sit down to feed, snuggle and play with her. Today, what do you know, I got to watch 40 minutes of tv. It was crazy.
Okay, back to Mr. Tolle. He said something that I thought was really important: If we want to change something we need to start by accepting it. Admit there is a problem. Right? It’s the first step in AA, but for those of us who haven’t worked the 12 steps, it’s kind of a revelation. By the way, I recently read a book that was kind of about “working the program” for people’s whose issues aren’t a substance. It’s called Gratitude and Trust. Pretty good read.
So, whatever our problem, whatever we aren’t happy about: our weight, career, marriage…it is indeed where we are, right now. It’s a problem. Accept it. Own your responsibility in it. Acknowledge the choices that led you to where you are. Then accept that you have the power to make different choices to lead you out. One positive choice at a time. Everything you need is already inside you; use it. I wasn’t really talking to you, I was talking to myself. Just in second person. Because talking to yourself in third person is creepy.
Whew, how are you guys doing? I was strangely drawn to the Oreos in the cupboard tonight, and I don’t even like Oreos. So, there’s that.
P.S. I had written part of this earlier, but I hadn’t proofread it. In my haste to pick up the kiddos for a dentist appointment, I accidentally hit publish instead of save. Thanks to my dear friend who commented on it, alerting me of my mistake. That’s why, if you tried to click on it earlier, it wasn’t there. Thanks for still loving me despite my challenges. I’m a work in progress.
xoxo
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