Searching vs. Seeking

Today, my sister in law mentioned my “energy has been different.” Although, I wasn’t aware of a shift, it was apparent enough to her that she felt prompted to check on me. And that, of course, led me to question my behavior, demeanor, attitude and energy.

I try to be very aware of how I treat people, act, behave, and express myself in all interactions. I try to be kind, genuine, and seek to understand others rather than just responding or sharing information about myself. I try not only to make people feel that I’m interested, but also to genuinely BE* interested.

Generally, I’m about as transparent as a freshly cleaned window, and if someone perceives that I’m upset, off, distracted, it is usually because I am. Only once have I ever been “accused” of being stand-offish when I really had no idea that I was being stand-offish. And that caught me so off-guard that I’ve monitored the space I take up even more vigilantly since.

So when she said this–mind you, my sister-in-law is a straight shooter who would not ask this if she didn’t genuinely sense something was amiss–it knocked me a little off-kilter.

Here’s what I figured out.

My energy is different. I don’t give it away anymore to people, places, things, or thoughts that don’t inspire me. That doesn’t mean I don’t care … I just don’t hop on board the feelings express every time. Also, the more time I spend meditating, writing, doing yoga and just being, the less I engage with so many of the silly things that used to work me up.

Meditation teachers advise that when a thought crosses your mind during meditation, simply acknowledge it and then let it go. This simple revelation has rocked my world. For 43 years, I never had the space between an action and reaction that many people have. That space that allows you to process things before (over)reacting. Many of you have that space. Brad does. He has a big space. Sometimes, he doesn’t react at all.

Meditation has given me that space. I’m still learning and practicing using the space, but I am so grateful every time I am able to observe, acknowledge and not lose my shit.

I read an article that clarified my energy shift beautifully. I have transitioned from a searcher to a seeker.

“A searcher needs … to be supported to help find their goals. They need to find the thing that will provide motivation and propel them forward. This will require a more in-depth examination of values and wants, learning what makes the person tick and what gives his life meaning. 

A seeker has already set the path for herself. She may need help motivating to follow the course, to reach the goals, to keep envisioning and acting upon her own agency and pathways, but there is something already in her mind that she wants to achieve. ” 

So thank you, my darling little sister, for helping me to see this.

Do you have that space? How did you get it or was it always there? Or, if you’re like me, did you even know there was a space?

*I know that split infinitive irks me too, but “to be” feels so Shakespeare-y. 

Can You Hold This for Me?

It’s a big week for us. Chloe’s graduating. She’s going to a grown up interview for a grown up job. I’ve spent a lot of time crying. Not sad crying. Not emptying nest crying. Just feeling all the feelings crying. Pride and hope and where the hell did the time go…all at the same time. I’m crying right now just writing about crying.

The past few months, I’ve had shoulder pain. Can’t raise my arm, can’t do much yoga, can’t spot Lily on back handsprings kind of shoulder pain. I went to the chiropractor, and he got my back and neck in better shape than they’ve been in for the last 10 years. I highly recommend chiropractors, by the way. No pills, no shots, no scalpels, just good old fashioned adjustments.

Unfortunately, it didn’t help my shoulder. At all.

So, I’ve spent weeks researching, stretching, icing, heating, taking more ibuprofen than I’m comfortable with, but nothing seemed to help that much.

Stretching helps some.

Meditation helps more.

But then…

Yesterday, Lily and I went to the Christmas Spectacular at Lakepark Farm with some friends. It’s wonderful and magical, and the kids and adults alike had a great time. As we neared the end of the evening, when the kids were all tired and sugared up and slap happy, I noticed my one girlfriend sitting on a bench holding her purse, children’s coats, toys they made in Santa’s workshop, two cups of hot chocolate and a bag of giant turtles–the chocolate variety–as she stared blankly ahead.

Seeing my friend bogged down with so much stuff sent a bolt of clarity directly to my heart.

I’m carrying too much stuff. Some is mine, but too much of it belongs to other people. I’ve been unwittingly carrying around bad days, hurt feelings, secrets, confessions, judgments, expectations, insecurities and so much more.

No wonder my shoulder hurts, I’m like a freaking pack mule.

Reaching my own full hands toward her, I joked, “Can you hold this for me?”

She laughed. We laughed.

But…It’s too much.

It makes my joints ache.

When the kids were little and wanted to bring a special item along somewhere we would always tell them, “You can bring it, but you have to carry it.” We’re not carrying it for you.

So, day by day, item by item, I am giving stuff back. I can’t carry this for you. Here you go. This belongs to you. This is yours. I can’t carry this for you.

You can bring it, but you have to carry it.

Whew.

Being Here Now

With school starting for my little and medium children and my oldest babe fixin’ to graduate from college, I’ve been dealing with this nagging feeling of, “Should I be doing more?” For the past few years, I’ve settled comfortably into being a full-time mom and wife. I’ve found my best self in encouraging my people to be theirs. But as their physical need for me lessens, I feel this pull…get a job, finish grad school, do something…more.

For a long time I struggled with learning how to be present, but now that I’m living more engaged in the moment, satisfied and grateful for our life, I’m wondering: Is this enough? Am I complacent? Am I using my unique gifts to their fullest potential? Naturally, the answer is often a resounding NO.

Earlier this year, inspired by an amazing friend, I decided to pursue yoga teacher training. I have found great peace and mindfulness through my own yoga and meditation practice, and I absolutely adore and am in awe of the woman who was leading the training. Fueled by ambition, I ran full speed in the direction of, “I’ll be a yoga life coach!”

But you know how sometimes you run full speed in the wrong direction? Is that just me? Anyway, it appears I let my infatuation with someone else’s dream pass as my own. I love practicing yoga, but it is very personal for me. Yoga, in fact, is one of the few gifts I regularly give myself. Don’t we do that too often, as women? Especially as moms. We give our gifts away.

Of course you can have some of my ice cream!

You like this sweater? Here, take it. I rarely wear it.

You can watch something; I wasn’t watching this silly Oprah episode.

Those are just a few top-of-mind examples, but don’t we do that as women? Especially as moms. We give all our goodness away and sometimes forget to save anything for ourselves? That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it’s okay–in fact it’s healthy–to keep some goodness for ourselves.

My husband travels, and the past month he has been gone a lot. Weird segue way, but we’ll get there. Promise. This month, he was gone for a week, the day he came home, I left for the weekend. The day after I came home, he left for another week. So in the past two weeks, I’ve seen him for about 6 hours. He is my person. His unique love fills my tank in a way nothing and no one else can. So, in this drought, I’ve been running on empty.

That emptiness is reflected in my short-tempered interactions with…well pretty much anyone I’ve interacted with, but specifically, my itty-bitty girl. See, I am her person, and when I’m empty, I have nothing to give. When my kids were little and had fits, I sometimes met their outbursts with, “Did you not get loved enough today?” And then we would cuddle. A kiss, a hug, a long snuggle all have magical healing properties. Sometimes I met their screams with screams of my own too. Just sayin’. But yesterday, when my tiny girl screamed at me, “I DIDN’T GET LOVED ENOUGH TODAY!” shit got real.

The other day I heard Bishop TD Jakes say, “You cannot reap what belongs to others. You have to reap what is yours.” Goodness, that statement will rock your world if you let it. I sometimes get caught up in what society thinks I should be doing…getting a job, finishing grad school, doing. something. more. But maybe that’s not for me? Maybe I’m just supposed to be right where I am. Putting on my own oxygen mask so I can put Lily’s on. Making sure my own love tank is filled so I can pour into my kids. Finding space and following my breath on the mat so I can be fully engaged with the people who count on me.

Perhaps I’m not using my gifts to their fullest potential, but I am using them. I’m always going to aspire for more, but today more is right here.

I sometimes still let S%*T bother me.

Sometimes, I try to put people into molds. Sometimes, I hold people to very high standards. Sometimes, I get very disappointed when people don’t meet my expectations. Sometimes=All. The. Time. Occasionally, in moments of clarity, I recognize the messed-up-ness of this flawed process and reset. I return to working on myself and accepting other people as they are. Wherever they are and whatever they’re doing.

Chloe told me about one of her friends who would comment on a person’s behavior as, “Oh, that’s just Sam. Doing Sam stuff.” This made me laugh every single time I heard it. Lately, however, I’ve been thinking about what a simple but profound lesson there is in adopting that viewpoint.

Once I was really upset with Brad about some perceived slight or shortcoming, and when I was telling my little mermaid fairy guru about it, she said, “Mama, you’re kinda just mad at Daddy for being Daddy. That’s not really fair.” RIGHT?!

Of course it’s not fair. And this admission is selfish and arrogant and unfathomably egotistical, but sometimes I get pissed at people just for being who they are instead of who I want them to be. Bleck.

I’ve written about this repeatedly. Obviously, I’m still working on it. I still let some s&*t bother me.

I keep praying about and meditating on accepting people as they are with no expectations, judgment or labels.

The last few times I did yoga, I set this as my intention. Every morning, in my journal, I pray that my every interaction with people might shine love and light into them. I pray to make people feel encouraged, heard and understood. I fail. A lot. But I keep trying.

Lately, I got hung up on gossip and being “two-faced.” People saying unkind things behind each other’s backs and then being sweet to each other’s faces. Honestly, if you are a woman (between the ages of 3 and infinity) you’ve encountered this. Maybe you haven’t. You get Wi-Fi under a rock? That’s pretty awesome. Anyway, I have been both guilty of gossiping and hurt by people gossiping about me. So in the last few months, I’ve been trying incredibly hard to be impeccable with my word. You know, I drone on and on about The Four Agreements, but seriously, it’s so simple: Don’t say anything unkind. About anyone. Ever. It really is a simple concept, but in our critical culture, it’s so hard. Really, really hard. I encourage you to become aware of the power of your word–and others’ words.

So, the more I started to focus on being understanding and accepting and kind, the more I realized that in order to reflect that, I had to feel it myself. I couldn’t wake up and criticize myself for all my shortcomings and then expect to be encouraging to others. That’s not exactly true. I could do that. I have been doing that for years. Here’s how that story ends: I feel slighted, wishing someone loved and understood me. Wishing someone made me feel special in all the ways I try to make other people feel special.

I know this sounds disgustingly self-indulgent and whiney, and I rarely spend time consciously feeling sorry for myself. I want to be completely transparent so that I can share this revelation: The gossip, the criticism, the nasty, shrewish, two-faced behavior that I so despised was how I treated myself. I have to stop being mean to myself.

When I set my intention in yoga to seek to understand and accept everyone who crossed my path, that needed to include me. I had to stop punishing myself for all the ways I haven’t lived up to my own ridiculous expectations–because if they’re high for other people, they are astronomically out-of-this-world unreachable for me. I had to start this little kindness revolution right in my own heart.

Last night, I went to yoga convinced that I would probably spend most of the practice in child’s pose. My knees hurt. My hair was dirty. I had tried on a bathing suit earlier which sent my self-esteem in a downward spiral. I almost didn’t go, but I realized that I was withholding yoga as some sort of punishment for not looking good enough in that bathing suit. Or something else …  I’m not sure. Anyway, I put it aside. And I got on my mat and let my breath carry all that negativity away.

Today, my intention remains to be compassionate, to understand, listen and encourage people. To say only kind things. And most of all: To accept all of us exactly where we are.

Heart Hiccups

So, I’ve had a whole bunch of time on my hands the last few weeks fasting Facebook and being unemployed. I’ve spent a great deal of it writing, reading and doing yoga, so I’ll be smarter and more flexible by the time I “see” most of you again.

Well, I may not be smarter, but I can hold crow for about 5 breaths, and I have an increased sense calmness and peace. Evidently, just reading other people’s drama profoundly affected my peace of mind.

And I am still not an intellectual, but I’ve learned that I can dust, sweep, mop, clean toilets, the whole housecleaning shebang in about two hours when I don’t stop to read notifications every five minutes.

I have watched some really good moves. You know, actually watched them–not the whole listen as you scroll and occasionally look up, and:
“Hahaha, did you see that?”
“No, I missed it.”
“Wait…rewind!”
Is that just our house?

Although it all ready annoyed me, it’s been reinforced how irritating it is to hang out with someone who looks at their phone constantly. At Christmas, I took a picture of my family seated around the kitchen table talking while everyone stared at their phones (Lily was looking at an ipod) and then had a big-time tantrum about it. IS EYE CONTACT TOO MUCH TO HOPE FOR? I think they put their phones down for about 30 seconds.

While, all of this is pretty minor and stuff I mostly knew (except crow, I couldn’t do that before without falling on my head) and I’m sorry for missed opportunities to share love, prayer, and encouraging words–I do pray for my FB people every day. Here’s my main lesson: Sometimes by sharing, we divide our blessings. There have been so many cute things Lily said or did. So many funny P’isms. Chloe accomplishments. Witty Brad comments. So many missed tweets and Facebook posts. But every one I didn’t share stayed in my heart much longer.

Sunday, I was talking to one of my little mamas-to-be at church and sharing how I felt a little sense of sadness when my kids were born that I had to share them with the world. Their little kicks and movements were no longer mine alone. Everyone got to hold them and love them and feel their stretches and hiccups, and yes that is wonderful and amazing. But for nine months that had been just mine.

That’s kind of how I’ve felt about all the cute pictures, funny sayings, and sweet comments the past few weeks. Because I haven’t shared them, they’ve blessed me so much more–they’re just hiccuping in my heart.

I haven’t become some incredibly self-absorbed person. Not at all. I feel like I went to the eye doctor and when the lens flipped my life came into sharper focus. I’ve missed a lot by being so plugged in, and I don’t intend to miss any more. I’ll be happy to see my FB friends again, since most of them I don’t get to see in every day life, but I will cherish the parts of my life that are just mine.