Here We Grow…again…

I feel like I’ve written about this so many times, but if the issue continues to rear its ugly head, I’ll keep swatting at it. Yesterday, my little peanut told some girls at school had been mean to her. Ughhhhh…can you envision my head erupting and lava pouring down my body onto the kitchen floor? Cause that’s pretty much what happens when my kids tell me someone was mean to them.

Now, these particular transgressions were mild. Passive-aggressive. Nothing outright mean. Also, let’s consider that this tiny kitten is my virtual clone, and one of my biggest shortcomings is reading stuff into what people say and do. It is possible she is overreacting.

Here are the facts: No one was blatantly mean to her, but there was undercover, shady mean stuff. She picks up on that nonsense though, and it’s my job to help her navigate through these issues no matter how big or small because they’re all big to her.

More facts: For the life of me, I do not understand this bullshit any better having dealt with it for more than 40 years than I did when I was her age. My girlfriend said we should write a book about it. Sure, I could write a book about how annoying and stupid and hurtful and damaging it is, but could I offer any insight about how to make it less so? I don’t know.

But today I saw an eagle at the lake, and that encouraged me to be courageous and stretch beyond my limits and pull together some advice people have given me, and I’ve given my girls over the years re: mean girls. Maybe something helpful will emerge.

Facts about Mean Girls
1. They are sneaky and sometimes snarky.
2. They bully people–overtly or covertly.
3. They are often jealous and insecure.
4. They sometimes grow up to be mean women who spawn the next generation of mean girls.
5. They probably just want love and acceptance and have a twisted way of seeking it.

Once you break them down into little pieces, it’s easier to find tactics to deal with them. And it’s fun to break mean people into little pieces. My mother’s advice re: mean girls? Just ignore them. I used to tell my girls the same thing. Just ignore them. I never could though. And last night, after hashing through this stuff with my itty bitty girl, I realized that ignoring isn’t always a valid coping mechanism. We had to come up with something better.

Here’s what we threw together:

1. Be kind. You don’t have to be everyone’s friend, but it feels better to be kind even when someone is mean to you. People who feel loved on the inside don’t treat others unkindly, so when a person treats you badly, it’s probably because she feels bad on the inside.

2. Don’t play with people who are mean. One of your “friends” always insists that you play the game she chooses. That’s okay. Play with someone else. But all your friends are playing with her? Make new friends. You don’t have to fight about it, simply remove yourself from the situation.

3. Speak up. The last thing passive-aggressive meanies want is for their behavior to be called out. “It’s not kind to whisper about people.” “I don’t want to play with you because you are bossy to me and our other friends.” “It’s mean when you threaten not to be my friend or to tell on me just because I don’t want to play this game.” This works for all ages with minor modifications. Try it. It’s empowering. And it’s almost as fun as breaking mean people into little pieces 🙂

4. My favorite advice is from my Queen Mother Maya: When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. I’m not saying that people can’t change, but when someone is mean to you, pay attention. When you see a “friend” being mean to someone else, remember, tomorrow that someone could be you. Notice the person who gossips about everyone. What does she say about you when you aren’t around? Watch how people treat waitresses, fast food employees, bank tellers…people they believe to be…inferior. Trust me. It tells you a lot about a person. How do people act when they think no one’s looking? I can tell you with absolute certainty: The same people who were mean to me 20, 30, 40 years ago are still mean to me today. Even the ones who smile and hug me.

5. Finally, give people grace. Mean girls included. You don’t have to hang out with them, be their friend or even speak to them. But we don’t know what’s going on in someone’s life that makes them act the way they do. We don’t have to try to understand or figure them out. We don’t have to read into their actions. We can give them grace…freely…and maybe from a safe distance.

At this point, I’ve cut all the mean girls and people and even a few cats–cause some of them are just assholes–out of my life. I’m no longer trying to make people like me. I’m not interested in being the homecoming queen. And I have zero energy to give people who don’t bring joy to me and to our family.

Fortunately I am extravagantly blessed and grateful to be surrounded by smart, kind, compassionate people who love me for who I am while challenging me to learn and grow. And I’m trying my damnedest to be kind, compassionate, loving and forgiving while raising 3–or 2, is Chloe raised? gulp–people who will be the good…the change I want to see in the world.

And you know what? It’s working. My big girl excelled through three years at a women’s college. She met amazing people who encouraged and inspired, believed in, challenged, taught and learned with her. She didn’t have hardly any mean girl nonsense. It’s a slow process, but it’s working.

I’m Sorry If I _______

I spend a great deal of time thinking about why we are who we are. Some of us question everything we say, agonize over something that could have been misinterpreted, and worry that our words might have unintentionally offended or hurt someone. Others bumble through life completely oblivious that their words or behavior might make someone feel bad. And still others, when alerted that they hurt or offended someone scoff that the person was too sensitive, claim their words or actions were misinterpreted, or worse turn the situation around and blame the victim.

Some people pride themselves on speaking their mind, having no filter. That’s fine, live and let live. I believe that meme* that says how people treat others says more about who they are than who I am. I strive to speak kindly to everyone, but often that is easier outside of my home than inside.

Once, a friend at church said, “How do you always have it so together?” I love her. She is a gem. But, I love her too much to let her believe that I have anything together. So I told her ten minutes earlier I was screaming and swearing and threatening my children’s lives if they didn’t get their teeth brushed as my husband calmly tried to hustle everyone out the door. He has it pretty well together, thank goodness.

But even if he didn’t, he wouldn’t spend hours analyzing his behavior. He rolls through life without the burden of analyzing what people say to him or what he says to them. He does not give a second thought about who said what to whom or what so-and-so might have meant when she said such-and-such. Lots of people can do this. I don’t think it’s a male-female thing because I know super-aware men and completely oblivious women.

So what is it that makes some of us able to let stuff go while others are compelled to ruminate? While I haven’t found an answer, extensive research (and tons of overthinking) has lead me to the following principles that I try to follow:

1. Surround yourself with genuine people. Then you don’t have to worry about passive-aggressiveness and ulterior motives. I promise you I never wonder what any of my friends meant by what they said because they meant exactly what they said.
2. Think before you speak. If you have to preface something with, “I don’t mean this to be offensive,” it’s probably offensive, so just don’t say it. I practice this with my mom all the time: She says, “I don’t mean for you to take this the wrong way,” and I say, “If you are concerned about my taking it wrong, you probably shouldn’t say it.” She always says it anyway.
3. Apologize freely. Not in a submissive or “giving away your power” way, but in an honest-to-goodness you mean something to me and it hurts me that I inadvertently hurt you. I mostly apologize to my kids and my husband as they bear the brunt of my bad behavior. But now, instead of wondering if I’ve offended someone, if I think I did, I apologize.
4. Stand up for yourself. You don’t have to be confrontational to tell someone that their words or actions upset you. I’m not a super-huge Dr. Phil fan, but this line of his always sticks with me: We teach people how to treat us. Sometimes we need to remind them what is and isn’t okay.
5. Don’t offer unsolicited advice and opinions. They are rarely helpful and nearly always taken the wrong way; refer to #2. (I’m already thinking that you might be thinking this list is unsolicited advice. Touche. This is just what I do though, I’m not telling you what to do.)

I still overthink a lot of what I say and do, but I don’t read as much into others’ behaviors. This frees up an enormous amount of time and energy to criticize myself. Kidding. Mostly. What works for you?

* I wanted to insert an image, but I couldn’t find a grammatically correct one. I can’t support that.