Still not mother of the year

The past few weeks, my life has been a little busier than normal. I’ve felt–quite frequently–like I had a lot of balls in the air, and that one of them was bound to drop sooner or later. I have been talking to myself. A lot. I fit in pretty well at the nursing home. It’s like when I am trying to remember a phone number, I’ll say it over and over again in my mind since I can never find a paper to write it down.

Now, however, I’m saying all these things in my head because I wrote them down somewhere, but I can’t find the damn paper so my inner dialogue is like, “Pick up Peyton at 5 or 7, wait what day is it: Monday, okay 5, I think. Lily has gymnastics. Drop off the recycling. Pick up my mom’s laundry. Bring her insurance card. Did I bring her clean undershirts and the kind of socks she likes? Did I text Chloe good morning? Did I check on Lori? Did I pack lunches this morning or were the kids buying? Did we study spelling words or did Lily really write “whore” instead of “were” anyway?” True story. Good that her teacher is a precious angel who finds humor in my parenting shortcomings.

All of this has made me feel much more compassionate toward those around me as I think most of us probably have way more going on than anyone knows. Since, I’m always trying to work those four agreements and lots of times getting stuck on not taking things personally, this is helping.

I have a really bad habit of sinking into myself. Crawling into my shell and dropping out of every inessential (by inessential, I mean no one will die if I don’t show up) part of my life. That means, I don’t really talk to my friends. I don’t go anywhere with anyone. Often I’m short if I remember to respond at all. All of this is an effort to protect and nourish my spirit, but it can often seem to people who care about me, that I’m mad at them or being a bitch. I’m really so sorry.

I’m working on doing a better job of communicating. And at the same time, I’m going to make some vows to you, my girlfriends, who are doing so much more than anyone knows, often at the expense of taking care of yourself the way you need and deserve to be loved and cared for. If you would, though, please pass it on…

1. If you forget to pick your son up from any sporting event, I will take him home. I will not tell anyone that you forgot or give you any shit about it. We don’t ever have to speak of it.
2. Those pants look good on you. Yesterday, today, and tomorrow too if that is what you choose. I don’t care how often you do laundry or if you gained 10 pounds and they’re the only comfortable thing you have. I promise I didn’t even notice until you told me.
3. Your daughter is beautiful even if her clothes don’t match and are too small. I know that she has a whole wardrobe of matching adorable clothes but it isn’t worth fighting with her in the morning.
4. I don’t judge you for yelling at your kids. Good lord, if someone had a hidden camera in my car or house, child protective services would be at my door daily. I am at times a horrible raving lunatic.
5. I couldn’t care less if your kids valentines aren’t homemade. I force my child to do crafts so we can bond, dammit; she would much rather have store bought ones. We’re all works in progress.

I could go on and on and on. Sometimes we are just so mean to each other. Judging and comparing and competing and gossiping and bleck, bleck, bleck. I promise you all, right now, if you’re reading this: I am never going to judge you, your clothes, your kids, your parenting, your weight, your hair or anything else. I get it. I understand. I feel you. My mantle is still void of a mother of the year trophy. Actually, I don’t even have a mantle! What do you think about that?

Please, let’s be kind to each other. And more than that? Let’s be kind to ourselves.

xoxo

21 Days: Day 6

One thing I have never mastered is cooking tofu. A few weeks ago at a Thai restaurant in Pittsburgh, a perfect tofu pad Thai dish inspired me to try again. The tofu was amazing. Crispy on the outside and soft on the inside. Mine was the same as always: Mushy. This is irrelevant other than it just happened, and I wondered if any of you had any suggestions about how to cook tofu.

Today, I had a happiness hangover of sorts. So much good in one day was overwhelming. In a good way, but still overwhelming.

1. I woke up next to my husband. That alone makes all the blessings I normally count so much sweeter because none of them would exist if not for the sweet sleeping boy next to me.

2. After I lamented Lily’s lack of interest in watching movies with me, her teacher (who is my good friend) assigned her this snow day homework: Snuggle and watch a movie with your mom. She’s a good egg, that one. Somebody needs to give those angel teachers a raise. Lily wanted to watch Mean Girls, which has some inappropriate-for-8-year-olds content–that I’d forgotten–but brought up a lot of good talking points because that bullshit starts when girls are teeny-tiny. It also continues until, well, I’ll let you know when it stops.

So yesterday, in a tangled web conversation with one of my closest friends, we unwound some strains of hurt and betrayal. Wanting to be loved and accepted are basic human needs not just desires. Unfortunately, through the cuts and bruises and scars we acquire moving through the sometimes thorny forest of life, we end up with some weird insecurities and hang ups. Then, unfortunately, on occasion we foist that crap onto other people we encounter. My really smart and amazingly talented friend Molly wrote about that here. She’s a great writer, right? That brings me back to this: We all want to be loved and accepted so let’s stop comparing and judging and criticizing and gossiping and trying to feel better about ourselves at the expense of someone else.

Trying to feel better about yourself by pointing out another’s flaws or shortcomings won’t make you better than anyone else. It won’t really make you feel better either. And, it will just show people that you have issues in your own life that you’d rather not deal with. I’m choosing to be kinder. I’m trying to accept people as they are and not as some idealized version of who I think they could be if they’d just deal with their shit. I’m trying. One mindful decision at a time.

3. I’m still crying about yesterday’s thank you note. Ugh. I have no idea who to write to today.

Yesterday, I gave in to the siren call of spinach dip and also something called Sex on the Horizon.

 If you could say no to Sex on the Horizon, then you’re a better woman than I am. And if it makes you feel better to say that you’re better than me, then you might want to read that paragraph above again, ’cause you might have missed the point. It tasted almost as good as it looked, but I paid severely for these transgressions when my stomach launched a full-fledged assault against me at 4 a.m.

Today has been good Daniel-fast wise, except for the tofu fail. Did I mention my husband is home? So despite the fact that 1/5 of our little world is starting her own little world in the City of Bridges, life feels mostly full and happy today.

How are you doing, my friends? What good did you eat? What made your heart smile? Aren’t you glad I finally shut up about coffee :)?